Do you have any idea what it takes me (woman of 10 years of singledom) to finally let someone in to my heart? It’s brutal on the men that encounter me. Some can handle it. Some can’t. Some harden towards me, and most of the time when I’m finally “ready”, my window of opportunity with them has already passed. And, so I’m here tonight after I got my “feelings” hurt AGAIN. Sure it doesn’t help that one my fantastic and most joyous quarterly cycle is here… I’ve done some funky things. I’ve shut him out when I didn’t feel like I was getting what I want and deserve. I actually at one point went back to my ex that I thought I was in love with because AGAIN I wasn’t getting all that I needed. Then, I accidentally popped back into his life. And, you’re probably thinking, “What is this girl’s deal? She has clearly shunned him. What does she expect?” Well, funny you asked…
I’m a woman. I want what I want when I want it! Dang it! So, about 3 months ago, I arrived at the reality that I couldn’t get what I wanted and needed unless I was willing and able to give it. And on my clock (my clock specifically and NOT his), I decided that it was now time to give 100%, all the walls were coming down, all my eggs were gonna go in one big, stinkin’ basket… And I’ve done what I set out to do. I opened up. I showed my weaknesses. I was NOT alway Positive Polly. I clearly defined my intentions and my feelings. I became “vulnerability station”. And while I’m a giver and genuinely grasp that joy of being in the moment, I sometimes so very much hope and expect that at least a minuscule portion of those steps in the right direction are reciprocated.
It’s a terrible curse to expect people to be on the same level. (I’m working on that..) I’m here, drowning in the repetition and redundancy of begging for more from him, less surface, increased depth, the “real” him. And as ridiculous as it may sound, I got upset that even after the past 8 crazy months, he refused to even label us “committed” and much less “boyfriend/girlfriend”. Yes, I remember all the starts and stops I played on him. But I’ve been ready for a while now! The hardness had dissipated! I was open again, and that was beautiful… :)
Then, I felt even more crazy when I saw his Facebook that I had asked to be invited to and was still not on (no pics of him and I) that had him and at least a 1/2 dozen cozied up women pictures. And I cringed! But it was really because I was hurt. I wanted to be special. I wanted to be the one he showed off. I want to be the light that guideth his patheth. JK (Well, really, I’m not.) I called him on it, and he was more defensive than I’ve ever seen him. And it just hurt more, and I masked it with anger and resentment.
And a month went by, and he left for a tropical vacation for 9 days of which I only heard from him twice… And he got home, and it was awkward. I felt disconnected. He’s not the type to open up. (Hello! Red flag!) Why am I even wasting on time with someone who doesn’t want to talk to me, or might not even be CAPABLE of it? It’s a mystery. Please, someone with reason and sanity and wisdom, I beg you- comment on this blog. No, REALLY. So, he posts pics from the trip, and they are all very tame, certainly not including scantily clad women. His buddy, however, goes a different route and posts the real pics. I see them tonight, ONLY because I was trying to post another blog entry to help his business and give him PR because he is struggling immensely financially. And I don’t ever even go to his Facebook. I haven’t been there since he got back from the trip.
Now not only are those pics up, but there is still NOTHING of me… The excuse before was that the pics of “us” were on a different computer. It’s been a month now, and it hasn’t been a priority. Frankly, between you and I, I wouldn’t have cared if ones of me were STILL not there until I saw the pictures of MORE women and him. And I just lost it. I don’t know if I’m justified. Is this just karma? I so care for him, but I just feel like a nag. I can’t win. I can’t get what I want. How long do I wait? Do I punish myself and stay here because I wish I had done things differently? Or do I draw the line because I have standards? My most wonderful grandmother has always said, “You will NEVER find the right one unless you get rid of the wrong one.”
Confused and sad and emotional I am… Advice? So after all that, my general take on his lackadaisical treatment towards me is the he is just NOT that into me…
No comments:
Post a Comment