I go back and forth whether social networking sites like facebook are a good thing or a bad thing. Part of that is because I go back and forth on every damn thing, because I like to think way too much instead of just making a decision and sticking with it. Indecision is worse than a bad decision. Actually, I don’t know whether that’s true or not let me think about it for awhile.
(Stay on topic, dummy)
Oh yeah Facebook. Here’s what is good about Facebook. You get to re-connect with old friends. Here’s what is gay about facebook. I didn’t give a shit about any of your lives before why should I start now?
This is how it usually goes when I log in. I check my messages. Check out a few of my friends pages. Accept some dumb ass clown gift or a new tool in farmville that someone I don’t know sent to me and then I get bored and write some dumb shit on people’s pages.
Then I see what certain people are up to with their status updates. I think, “Wow that looks like fun I need to get down there and do that, that will be bad ass.”
I’ll start thinking, hmmm do I need to call these people or just show up? Why did they tell everyone where they are? You do that too Mike, why do you do that?
Don’t know.
Then I’ll get jealous for a minute and think if I don’t go then I’m missing out and they will have more fun than I will.
My inner voice will then say, “What are you talking about homo? You just did a somersault, ate a bunch of candy, cranked one out, read a book and did a bunch of push-ups. You were having a blast. Why the fuck would you stop doing what makes you happy and head to a bar when you don’t even drink anymore?
Ummm because there’s girls there.
“So what dummy? The fucking last thing your dumb ass needs right now is a relationship.”
“I know but they are hot and smell good.”
“Shut up Mike, there’s millions of em. You work with a bunch of girls like that. Take one home from the club if you want to and then kick her out of the bed.”
“Don’t want to.”
“Why?”
“That’s not how I was raised.”
“That’s gay.”
“Well maybe my dad raised me too well then, because I just can’t be an asshole to women until they break my heart. Then I can be a vicious angry asshole.”
“Why?”
Ummm they made me mad.
So what?
“I don’t like it when people make me mad.”
“How fucking old are you man that’s immature.”
“So what?”
This inner battle goes on for another 20 minutes and it’s usually too late to go anywhere anyway and I decide to just stay home and do exactly what I was doing before facebook and people having fun interrupted me having the time of my life.
The other thing that bothers me about facebook is you start doing the life comparison game.
“Wow that fucker has a million dollars and a hot wife that I want to bone. I’m so jealous of that dude. I used to make him eat pigeon eggs in third grade and now look!”
Then I start to think, “So the fuck what Mike? How does that affect you in the least You are completely happy not being married until you start to think about it. You are happy just being an amazing uncle to that little shit Alex who you could spend 84 straight hours rough housing with and you’d be the happiest man in the world. Why do you care what some dude has?
“Umm because I want to bone his wife.”
“Then go do that.”
“Can’t wasn’t raised that way. It all goes back to…”
“Shut the fuck up Mike. God why do you think so damn much man. Get a lobotomy if you have to. You just said that you don’t care about money right?”
“Yup.”
“You just said that you are happy when you are single right?”
“Yup.”
“The things that make you happy are riding a bike, playing sports, reading books, watching movies, beating up your 5 year old nephew and then going out meeting new people right?”
“Yup.”
“SO JUST DO THAT DUMB ASS! IF THAT’S WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY THEN JUST FUCKING DO THAT SHIT THE REST OF YOUR DAMN LIFE AND STOP BITCHING ABOUT WHAT YOU DON’T HAVE YET! EITHER GET IT YOURSELF IF IT’S SO IMPORTANT TO YOU OR SHUT THE FUCK UP.”
“Good point brain, but in all honesty I want to tag like 95 chicks that are my friends on facebook. And the only way I can do that is if I go see em and talk them into having sex with me. Right?”
“Umm that’s a fair point. But why does it have to be girls you are friends with on facebook? Look around man! There’s tons of em. Don’t you always complain that because you dated a little troll from Gateway for three years, that a bunch of your facebook friends know, that you are afraid that all that drama will come back to haunt you and they will not be able to resist the urge to see what it was like to be in a relationship with you?”
“Yup.”
So don’t date chicks from Gateway then dummy! There’s more to life than Gateway. Yes some of them arebeautiful and successful and you really wanted to nail em when you were 17. But you didn’t man, move on. Look in your phone. There are over 35 girls in there that have given their number to you. Some want to get to know you because you seem nice. Some just want you to nail them, Mike. Some chicks are like that. Stop looking on a computer for what’s right in front of you in real-life. Stop chasing women dummy! Now go do some more push-ups read The Fountainhead again and see if you can pull off that front flip onto your bed. Finish this long meandering blog that no one should a give a fuck about, walk outside reflect for a minute while having a cigarette and then go back inside, watch the all-star game festivities and rest up for work tonight. Then if you want to go on facebook and dick around for a bit at 4 a.m. when you get home. Deal?”
“Deal brain.”
Final judgement. Facebook is neither good nor bad. It’s just a thing out there that you can choose to participate in or choose not to. Doesn’t matter either way. You aren’t missing anything if you don’t give a shit about it.
So all that to say I don’t know the right answer. I’m going to make one hell of a politician one day.
“Mr. Nicholls, What are your plans for health care reform?”
“Don’t give a shit to be honest. I figure just stay healthy and you won’t have to worry about it. If you get cancer then that would really fucking suck balls. Go the Dr., Get treated then never worry about paying for it, is my advice. Why beat cancer and then let trying to pay back the hospital kill you. Fuck em,you got your health. Aha Universal health care is what I meant to say. Ignore all that babble and swearing.”)
Ok time to go post this link on Facebook so all my very best friends in the whole world will read it!
Hypocrite Mike.
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