We debated online dating over at the Perpetual Post this week.
As confused, shy and neurotic as human beings are, we don’t really want anyone else to know that about us. When it comes to letting other people find out who we are, we like to have creative control. That’s one of the exciting things about online dating—and even social networking in general: it offers a forum in which one has complete creative control over what they choose to reveal about themselves to others. Of course, we don’t want anyone else to know how important it is to us that we be shown in a certain light, so even if every inch of it has been painstakingly planned, it’s crucial to make sure that your online profile appears to be a casual reflection of who you think you are, and who you want others to think you are.
Personally, I think that a lot of what I find attractive in other people, I put there myself. It’s not necessarily there to begin with. Especially at first; when I don’t know the other person that well, there’s a lot of projection going on. And then I as learn more about them, and discover more about what they’re actually like, I kind of add bits and pieces of that reality into whatever perception-of-them stew I’m concocting which filters they way I view them and affects how attractive they are to me.
Granted, some of what I see in others is also probably what they want me to see. And I definitely I do the same thing to other people; trying to make them see me the way I want to be seen. The people I tend to like the most are the people whose perception of me, to the extent that I can tell, jibes with my perception of myself, and/or my perception of the way I want them to perceive me.
This projection is has been compounded tenfold by the advent of the social networking website. Based on the sketchy pictures and information provided by a person’s online profile, it is very easy to extrapolate virtually anything you want to about virtually anyone on the web. Are they pictured with a kid? They probably love kids! Do they seem to be doing a lot of quirky things with attractive other people in their photos? They are probably fun and have sexy friends! Do they have poor grammar and bad spelling? Maybe they didn’t take much time working on their profiles because they had to dash off to do fun things with their sexy friends! Or maybe they’re just careless. Or a sociopath. Who knows what they wanted you to see—maybe it was what you saw, maybe it was what YOU wanted to see. Really, you won’t know until you meet each other, if you ever do meet. Actually meeting someone you’ve only communicated with online can be a thrilling adventure or a staggering defeat. It’s very easy to build someone up and make them into your ideal match when all you know about them is filtered through the medium of text and pictures. It can be crushing to realize that the scrapbook person you’ve pieced together is nothing like the actual live version.
One thing I like to keep in mind when viewing people’s online profiles is the fact that had I seen my boyfriend’s online profile first, we never would have met. “No way,” I would have thought. This guy is not for me. We have nothing in common.”
Fortunately, we met in person first. It just goes to show you, you can’t judge a boy by his Myspace. We’re all wading through bullshit, but sometimes we find each other.
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